Dear 1980's

I thought we split up for good, oh, I guess officially it was 20 years ago. We agreed it was for the best and that we were both ready to move on.

So, I was kind of surprised to see you at the mall on Saturday. After all this time! At first it was like, "Oh, hi, 1980s. Um, how have you been? What brings you here?" It was a little awkward and weird and we were both trying to play it cool, but I'll admit that I felt a little bit of nostalgia.

I suddenly began to remember some of the good times we shared. I got Kajagoogoo stuck in my head. Oh, and remember Duran Duran and Erasure? A-Ha? ABC? Oh, and that one afternoon we watched "The Breakfast Club" and raided the pantry, and then we braided each other's hair? Or when we snuck a viewing of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"? Don't you remember how my mom wouldn't let me see it? She refused to believe that girls could just simply want to have some good old-fashioned fun and not be up to no good. I got around that by doing what I always did when things were forbidden: doing them anyway, just sneakier.

We had good times, 1980s. We did. I won't say it was all bad. You did kind of overstay your welcome a little, but I guess that was us both just kind of hoping that it would go back to the way it was, when things were simple and happier. When John Hughes movies didn't star Macauley Culkin. When posters from Tiger Beat and Bop plastered the walls and ceiling of every girl's bedroom. When wearing Esprit made you awesome. When every song on the radio was better than the last, and you couldn't resist the urge to turn the knob louder and louder until one more turn to the right would blow out the speakers.

I'm kind of amazed at how little you've changed. You look just like you did back then! Of course, this would be a bigger compliment if you hadn't looked like a butt.

Anyway, we had a nice chat, right? We reminisced, we laughed and before things got a little too deep, I said I was late for a meeting with 2006. But then you started doing that thing, where you got all clingy. You followed me everywhere I went, shouting, "LOVE ME! I'M BACK! I'M NEVER LEAVING AGAIN! IT'LL BE DIFFERENT THIS TIME, I SWEAR IT!" J. Crew, H&M, Hecht's, Nordstrom. You were all over the place. It was pathetic! And I can't walk very fast right now, so you were totally keeping pace with me. It was pretty hard to pretend like I didn't know you.

God, and you were kind of embarrassing with that big belt slung low on your hips and that shirt that offered no support and kind of bloused over the waist, giving the illusion of someone needing a serious tummy tuck. And honey, those horizontal stripes were doing you no favors. Do I need to address your leggings and jelly shoes? I guess I should be thankful that you weren't leaving the tantalizing aroma of Love's Baby Soft in your wake, but it can't be too far behind. But I'm pretty sure I caught a whiff of Jean Natè body splash. I always wondered who still wore that stuff.

I finally lost you in Ann Taylor Loft, when I saw you give up and run off with that girl in the sweater with the V-neck that went down to her thighs, Jordache jeans and Candie's shoes. I wonder if she knows what she's in for? I hope you two will be very happy together, and that our paths never, ever cross again. But somehow, I fear this isn't going to be the last time.

Don't make me get a restraining order.